Urgh

This is what was happening in my science class yesterday (all day) instead of paying attention...

*hunger pain*

I would take a sip of water...

*hunger pain*

I would eat an apple...

*hunger pain*

More water....more apple....

*day dream of eating a pizza pocket*

Bathroom break. More water. More apple.

Repeat.

This diet is kicking me in the butt! All I want to do is cry, scream, complain and eat the entire contents of my fridge.

Needless to say, the Apple-all-day-trick does NOT work. Not because it wasn't effective, but because I couldn't do it! The first Apple-all-day Day I ended up scarfing up cheese (cheating) and a few other items (probably fat free lunch meat and ranch....this has been my guiltly pleasure lately....well, the ranch has. I think the lunch meat would be ok as long as I stick to small portions.

So, ive been maintaining. Then, yesterday, I attempted the Apple-all-day-trick again. But, again, I came home starving. So, I behaved, and made a dish of extra lean ground beef (an approved protein source) with onions (approved veggie) with tomato sauce (I can have tomatoes...) and seasonings. Ive dubbed it my sloppy joe mix. It's not bad, but after 4 weeks of eating it at least twice a week, and with my stomach screaming--mentally and physically--I kicked it up a notch. I added cheese.

And then I proceeded to turn on a chick flick and eat TWO--not one, but TWO--heaping bowls of it! My stomach ended up screaming at me by the end of one, but I pressed on! :( It was awful.

Then....to top it off.....I was craving sweets....so I had a spoonful of Cake batter ice cream. :( Luckily I stopped myself at a spoonful because I knew I'd regret it all!

So, I woke up with a sour belly last night....and today I gained 3 pounds. I feel like a fat cow. And depressed. As I left this morning for my new weekly weigh-in and measurements with my friends, I angrily told my husband he was going to have a fat-ass wife forever or I needed to teach myself to puke.

*sigh* I went to the weigh-in and measurements. *sigh* No loss. Anywhere.

Why does dieting have to be so hard?! I seriously want to ring my fists to the sky and scream "why?"

I was telling my mom today that my doc wants to examine the emotional/psychological reasons on why I overeat. It makes sense and I told my doc about my dad (usually if there's any psychological issue in my life, I examine the "my-dad-died-when-I-was-young-card") but I think this has nothing to do with my dad, any break ups, low self esteem, etc etc etc.

I think I just love to eat.

All food groups.

And, this diet, sucks.

But, I will hang in there. I've come this far. Besides eating, I do have a genuine desire to become healthy. I want babies, the ability chase after other people's babies all day long (Im in school to become a teacher) and to enjoy the way I look! I've dieted off and on my life...and Im tired of going back and forth.

Im also tired of wearing fat shorts underneath all dresses and skirts! Eep! I actually said that in this blog!!

So, Im cranky and worn out. I'm pissed off and hungry!

But, I'm now taking vitamins on a regular basis and attempting to drink the HCG Diet's requirement of 2 gallons of water (I've managed one gallon yesterday and today). I've also started journaling what I eat and my weight in my planner so I can analyze my choices and researching natural appetite suppressants. Im doing what I can....may the diet gods hear my cry!

In the fateful words of Bon Jovi "I feel like a Monday but someday I'll be Saturday Night!"

List of Foods I can eat! (Thanks Lexi!)

Meats (all small 4 oz servings):

Chicken (skinless of course)

Ground Beef (extra lean)

Fish

Steak

Fruits (again, tiny servings):

Oranges

Strawberries

Grapes

Apples

Watermelon (Not a fruit I was originally approved for, but my doc added this so I could get more water)

Veggies:

Celery

Cucumbers

Onion

Cabbage (I hate cabbage though :( )

Tomatoes

Lettuce (I think...)

*Interesting note: I've eaten Broccoli a few times because I figured it's a universal free food, right? Not with this diet! With this diet, it's a weight gainer! Weird, huh?

Other:

Cottage Cheese 1/3 cup only

1 cup of coffee (doc approved Half and Half to put in coffee bc it's low on sugar and carbs. I must admit, I do have a BIG cup in the morning, but I limit it to one cup).

2 gallons of water (I have not made this goal...yet)

I can have seasonings, salt, cinnamon, nutmeg, etc. I have to stay away from sugar--including Trivia/Splenda, etc.

Hope this helps! Any ideas would be fab! :) Thanks!

The Apple Day

Today, I begin to eat Apples.

Yup, you read correctly.

Besides keeping the doctor away, hopefully it'll help me drop a few pounds.

I went in for my weekly appointment yesterday and since I am not dropping weight daily, my doc recommended for me to eat apples--all day long. Apparently, this will help "jump start" my system. Interesting.

And so it began. I ate my first apple this morning--a fuji one. Happily, I like apples so I should be able to do it without much whining. :) I did cheat a little and have my morning coffee with this apple...but, the coffee helps me maintain sanity.

And sanity....is important. :)

Thanks for everyone's support with all of this. The one thing I adore is the beginning of a new day. Every day, there is a chance for me to start over, to try harder, to make this lifestyle change work. Tonight, once it cools down, Lance and I will go for a walk. I really really want to loose another 17 pounds before this phase of the diet is over.

This phase of the diet (500 calories and the hormone shot) ends July 26th. Then, I begin phrase 2 (2-3 wks) of the diet. This is where I will be off the hormone, my calories will be increased but I will still need to steer clear of starches and sugars. After this, I will go back to phase 1: 500 cal and hormone. My understanding is I will repeat this till I obtain my goal weight.

I have to be honest with myself....I think my weight is going back and forth because I have not included physical activity and some days I go over my 500 calories. Lately, Ive been finding it really really hard to eat the same foods over and over. Example: I can't bare to look at strawberries, celery or cucumbers. Yet, when I eat them on a regular basis, I was dropping a pound a day.

Well...this is my progress so far....thanks again for reading! I will keep you posted on the Apple Diet today, ha! ;)

Day 20

Let me honest here and say this: any holiday on the HCG diet is awful!!!

4th of July has come and gone, thank goodness.

My patience for this diet is starting to wear thin. Im getting tired of eating the same things over and over. I cheated yesterday and had red velvet (low fat) frozen yogurt. I didn't include toppings and I had a small portion (well, smaller than my husband's and smaller than what I would have a month ago) but of course this splurge insured I'd gain.

Taking my heaviest weight (Day 2, after the 5000 cal) minus this morning's weight, I've lost 17 pounds. Totally awesome but I've stayed there. Day 18 weighed me in 3 pounds less than today. But, despite being really good on the 4th of July, the weight crept back up.

The last day of this diet is July 26th. I hope I can last that long.

Day 16

Since I wrote my last entry, I've lost two pounds.

Then this morning, I gained those two pounds back.

But, I can tell you what I did wrong (and no, it's not cottage cheese this time)....I had a cookie.

With pink frosting.

It was delicious! And, it was my "goodbye" cookies at work yesterday (yesterday was my last day, next Friday I'll start my new job)....and the HCG Diet rules clearly state in the guidelines that one must eat all GoodBye Desserts handed their way.

I wish!

So, no more goodbye cookies or anytime cookies....I was disappointed with the scale this morning. I swear the scale was just looking at me saying...."Really? A goodbye cookie? That's all it took?"

Yet, as I sit here, I will reflect on the positive. I hung out with Lance's niece's last night (they are our age, not little girls) where there was wine served--and I did not take a sip. This Goodbye Cookie actually filled me up and it was almost too sweet! In fact, I was completely sastified with one! Flash backward a month ago, I would've been able to pack a few of those away.

So, it's time to re-focus...Im realizing every day I need to re-focus....more water, no cookies. I need to start walking. Sigh. But for now, I will just sit here on my day off and watch the Today Show and sip my coffee.

Oh, and water.