The journey continues...!

It's been awhile since I've written.

I wrapped up my first 40 days with a 20 pound weight loss. Was it just the 500 calories that did it or the hormone?

Im honestly still not sure. But, what I am sure of, is.....it's working! At the end of the 40 days, I felt better--I had more energy and I felt better emotionally and mentally. I felt like I accomplished a goal and I wanted to continue.

But, first I had to take a few weeks off of the hormone and focus on maintenance. I started off being good...but with huge life events--new job and the loss of my father-in-law--I saw my healthy habits start to disappear.

Luckily, weight-wise, I've been able to maintain my weight till this week. Sadly, now it has caught up with me and I've gained 10 pounds. Due to stress, convenience and plain ol "I want it" I've had wine, lattes, dessert and fast food. I had a meeting with my doc this week and told her I wanted to start up again--despite a new semester of grad school looming and a new (but stressful) job promotion. I do not want to slip into old habits. Yes, I will miss little things like almond butter and cheese....but it's not forever.

Now that I've spent this weekend loading up (First two days is 5000 calories)--I have felt miserable. Im bloated, waking up with sour gut, tired and I feel gross. I can't seem to make peace with food; regardless if it's too much or too little. Im scared I will always battle this in one shape or another. I am truly scared! Does it ever get easy for a person--who's had a history of weight loss/gain to say no to the piece of cheesecake (no matter how small) at that year's holiday party? Does one ever order a salad when eating out with out thinking about it?!

I feel the need to sit down and talk with people who are in AA, or who used to smoke, or who used to be hooked on drugs. I know my situation may be less extreme but...I want to hear their stories. Do they ever want to relapse? How do they feel late at night when no one is looking? Do they have a game plan when life is falling apart around them? I want to reach out and examine the darkness of human addiction and maybe....understand my own struggles.

Everyone is different I suppose. All I know is, if I had to choose, I'd choose to feel like I did towards the end of the diet (the beginning was quite an adjustment too) then I do now. Someday, I will teach kids and have my own kids (and god-willing, we'll have many healthy babies despite whatever age I'll be when that happens).....so I NEED to do this. My weight doesn't effect just me anymore--if Im not happy with myself, it'll effect all areas of life. I feel more miserable during this loading period than I did in my first loading period--so that's a good sign, it means I've changed!

K, Im off my soap box....wish me luck everyone :)....the journey continues!

Urgh

This is what was happening in my science class yesterday (all day) instead of paying attention...

*hunger pain*

I would take a sip of water...

*hunger pain*

I would eat an apple...

*hunger pain*

More water....more apple....

*day dream of eating a pizza pocket*

Bathroom break. More water. More apple.

Repeat.

This diet is kicking me in the butt! All I want to do is cry, scream, complain and eat the entire contents of my fridge.

Needless to say, the Apple-all-day-trick does NOT work. Not because it wasn't effective, but because I couldn't do it! The first Apple-all-day Day I ended up scarfing up cheese (cheating) and a few other items (probably fat free lunch meat and ranch....this has been my guiltly pleasure lately....well, the ranch has. I think the lunch meat would be ok as long as I stick to small portions.

So, ive been maintaining. Then, yesterday, I attempted the Apple-all-day-trick again. But, again, I came home starving. So, I behaved, and made a dish of extra lean ground beef (an approved protein source) with onions (approved veggie) with tomato sauce (I can have tomatoes...) and seasonings. Ive dubbed it my sloppy joe mix. It's not bad, but after 4 weeks of eating it at least twice a week, and with my stomach screaming--mentally and physically--I kicked it up a notch. I added cheese.

And then I proceeded to turn on a chick flick and eat TWO--not one, but TWO--heaping bowls of it! My stomach ended up screaming at me by the end of one, but I pressed on! :( It was awful.

Then....to top it off.....I was craving sweets....so I had a spoonful of Cake batter ice cream. :( Luckily I stopped myself at a spoonful because I knew I'd regret it all!

So, I woke up with a sour belly last night....and today I gained 3 pounds. I feel like a fat cow. And depressed. As I left this morning for my new weekly weigh-in and measurements with my friends, I angrily told my husband he was going to have a fat-ass wife forever or I needed to teach myself to puke.

*sigh* I went to the weigh-in and measurements. *sigh* No loss. Anywhere.

Why does dieting have to be so hard?! I seriously want to ring my fists to the sky and scream "why?"

I was telling my mom today that my doc wants to examine the emotional/psychological reasons on why I overeat. It makes sense and I told my doc about my dad (usually if there's any psychological issue in my life, I examine the "my-dad-died-when-I-was-young-card") but I think this has nothing to do with my dad, any break ups, low self esteem, etc etc etc.

I think I just love to eat.

All food groups.

And, this diet, sucks.

But, I will hang in there. I've come this far. Besides eating, I do have a genuine desire to become healthy. I want babies, the ability chase after other people's babies all day long (Im in school to become a teacher) and to enjoy the way I look! I've dieted off and on my life...and Im tired of going back and forth.

Im also tired of wearing fat shorts underneath all dresses and skirts! Eep! I actually said that in this blog!!

So, Im cranky and worn out. I'm pissed off and hungry!

But, I'm now taking vitamins on a regular basis and attempting to drink the HCG Diet's requirement of 2 gallons of water (I've managed one gallon yesterday and today). I've also started journaling what I eat and my weight in my planner so I can analyze my choices and researching natural appetite suppressants. Im doing what I can....may the diet gods hear my cry!

In the fateful words of Bon Jovi "I feel like a Monday but someday I'll be Saturday Night!"

List of Foods I can eat! (Thanks Lexi!)

Meats (all small 4 oz servings):

Chicken (skinless of course)

Ground Beef (extra lean)

Fish

Steak

Fruits (again, tiny servings):

Oranges

Strawberries

Grapes

Apples

Watermelon (Not a fruit I was originally approved for, but my doc added this so I could get more water)

Veggies:

Celery

Cucumbers

Onion

Cabbage (I hate cabbage though :( )

Tomatoes

Lettuce (I think...)

*Interesting note: I've eaten Broccoli a few times because I figured it's a universal free food, right? Not with this diet! With this diet, it's a weight gainer! Weird, huh?

Other:

Cottage Cheese 1/3 cup only

1 cup of coffee (doc approved Half and Half to put in coffee bc it's low on sugar and carbs. I must admit, I do have a BIG cup in the morning, but I limit it to one cup).

2 gallons of water (I have not made this goal...yet)

I can have seasonings, salt, cinnamon, nutmeg, etc. I have to stay away from sugar--including Trivia/Splenda, etc.

Hope this helps! Any ideas would be fab! :) Thanks!

The Apple Day

Today, I begin to eat Apples.

Yup, you read correctly.

Besides keeping the doctor away, hopefully it'll help me drop a few pounds.

I went in for my weekly appointment yesterday and since I am not dropping weight daily, my doc recommended for me to eat apples--all day long. Apparently, this will help "jump start" my system. Interesting.

And so it began. I ate my first apple this morning--a fuji one. Happily, I like apples so I should be able to do it without much whining. :) I did cheat a little and have my morning coffee with this apple...but, the coffee helps me maintain sanity.

And sanity....is important. :)

Thanks for everyone's support with all of this. The one thing I adore is the beginning of a new day. Every day, there is a chance for me to start over, to try harder, to make this lifestyle change work. Tonight, once it cools down, Lance and I will go for a walk. I really really want to loose another 17 pounds before this phase of the diet is over.

This phase of the diet (500 calories and the hormone shot) ends July 26th. Then, I begin phrase 2 (2-3 wks) of the diet. This is where I will be off the hormone, my calories will be increased but I will still need to steer clear of starches and sugars. After this, I will go back to phase 1: 500 cal and hormone. My understanding is I will repeat this till I obtain my goal weight.

I have to be honest with myself....I think my weight is going back and forth because I have not included physical activity and some days I go over my 500 calories. Lately, Ive been finding it really really hard to eat the same foods over and over. Example: I can't bare to look at strawberries, celery or cucumbers. Yet, when I eat them on a regular basis, I was dropping a pound a day.

Well...this is my progress so far....thanks again for reading! I will keep you posted on the Apple Diet today, ha! ;)

Day 20

Let me honest here and say this: any holiday on the HCG diet is awful!!!

4th of July has come and gone, thank goodness.

My patience for this diet is starting to wear thin. Im getting tired of eating the same things over and over. I cheated yesterday and had red velvet (low fat) frozen yogurt. I didn't include toppings and I had a small portion (well, smaller than my husband's and smaller than what I would have a month ago) but of course this splurge insured I'd gain.

Taking my heaviest weight (Day 2, after the 5000 cal) minus this morning's weight, I've lost 17 pounds. Totally awesome but I've stayed there. Day 18 weighed me in 3 pounds less than today. But, despite being really good on the 4th of July, the weight crept back up.

The last day of this diet is July 26th. I hope I can last that long.

Day 16

Since I wrote my last entry, I've lost two pounds.

Then this morning, I gained those two pounds back.

But, I can tell you what I did wrong (and no, it's not cottage cheese this time)....I had a cookie.

With pink frosting.

It was delicious! And, it was my "goodbye" cookies at work yesterday (yesterday was my last day, next Friday I'll start my new job)....and the HCG Diet rules clearly state in the guidelines that one must eat all GoodBye Desserts handed their way.

I wish!

So, no more goodbye cookies or anytime cookies....I was disappointed with the scale this morning. I swear the scale was just looking at me saying...."Really? A goodbye cookie? That's all it took?"

Yet, as I sit here, I will reflect on the positive. I hung out with Lance's niece's last night (they are our age, not little girls) where there was wine served--and I did not take a sip. This Goodbye Cookie actually filled me up and it was almost too sweet! In fact, I was completely sastified with one! Flash backward a month ago, I would've been able to pack a few of those away.

So, it's time to re-focus...Im realizing every day I need to re-focus....more water, no cookies. I need to start walking. Sigh. But for now, I will just sit here on my day off and watch the Today Show and sip my coffee.

Oh, and water.

Re-Focusing

So, this weekend was a disaster.

Well, writing "disaster" to describe this last weekend probably puts me into a Drama Queen category, but it sure felt like it!

First off, Saturday morning I felt fabulous. As in, I had all of my snacks packed and I even took the initiative to pack a small cooler of water bottles. I felt prepared to handle the heat and activity on 500 calories. I thought I'd be fine.

It was challenging, to say the least. I want people to feel like they can eat around me, I really dont want to be the crazy person who becomes a hermit because they just cant handle others eating. But, my class mates had a BBQ outside on our lunch break at the McNary Wildlife refuge and I felt sooooo sad because I did not want to even join them to visit. I didn't want to battle saying no to myself mentally over and over during that hour (School peeps that read the blog, please do NOT feel bad, these are my issues). The heat was making me vulnerable! Normally I try my best to not care when others eat--and sometimes I doesn't even matter to me at all--but this weekend, I HATED the HCG diet. HATED it.

Hated it so much that I came home and cried. I was tired and sweaty and hungry when I arrived home. All I wanted was a big plate of comfort food--pasta, cheese, bread, you name it. But, I couldnt have that, so I showered, went to bed and cried. Then, I found out my husband planned a game night with his best friend and best friend's wife. I cried even harder because I knew that'd be another situation where I'd have to avoid more good food (snacky stuff, chips, salsa, pretzels, etc) but again, I didn't want the world to stop spinning just because I was on a diet so I didn't protest. Especially since he arranged the game night to be at our house (to keep me away from tempting food) and cleaned the living room so I could stay in bed and cry before they came over. I felt like a freak.

And a baby. In fact, I am embarrassed to type this episode out, but I feel the need to be honest....I hope this to be a diary of sorts so I can always reference it later...and see how much I've grown. Hopefully.

In an attempt to cheer me up, Lance (my husband, not sure if I've said his name on here) did figure out a HCG Diet desert to make me--he baked some apple slices (he did use butter, which I cant have, but he didn't use very much) and sprinkled cinnamon on them. It was delicious! It was warm like a real baked good and it was still sweet thanks to the apples. Of course, I had this at 10 pm that night after the game night, which is one reason why I didn't loose any weight this weekend, but it perked me up mentally. I swear, I love that man dearly!

Sunday was a little better, I did make it to the Renaissance fair, but I purposely went in the morning and left in the early afternoon to avoid a lot of heat exposure. I didn't want a repeat of the previous day. As far as emotions went, I was in a good mood. That afternoon, Lance and I relaxed and watched Arrested Development....but another emotion hit--boredom!!! I could've gone through wedding photos, wrapped up the last of my wedding thank-yous or any other task that needs to be done and would distracted me--but no, I wanted to repeat bad habits and snack! This is where I cheated. I had more cottage cheese than I am supposed too (I'm only supposed to have 1/3 cup a day), a spoonful of almond butter, a spoonful of delicious cake batter ice cream on top of dinner (chicken and broccoli) !

Needless to say, I have not lost weight since. I've talked to my Doc yesterday and admitted my diet sins and she laughed with me (especially when I admitted how Lance chased me down when I went for the ice cream, LOL) and said this was fine but to re-focus.

So, this morning, after talking to one of my best friends who is also dieting and is an identical dieter like me, I feel ready to re-focus. I feel very blessed to have my cousin Darcy (who is a personal trainer) check in with me on a regular basis and my other best friend Danielle check in with daily text messages. I love my classmates who constantly give me support verbally and by being regular readers of this blog. Finally, I adore my husband! He is eating healthier too now and I am so thankful he has not ran fro the hills since I started this diet!! haha!

So, I am re-focusing. I really really really want to do this. I still want to be a person who enjoys food and all it's pleasures, but I also want to feel good about myself. I taught my science lesson last week and I did waaaay better than one I taught a few months back in class. There are a few factors on why I did better (I adapted the activity from a friend who's a teacher, I was better prepared, etc), but I'm wondering if a part of it because I was physically feeling better?

Anyway, it's time to end this blog...thanks for reading....and thanks for your support.....!! I see the Doc tonight for my weekly check-in and more doses of the hormone!

Love,

J