I wrapped up my first 40 days with a 20 pound weight loss. Was it just the 500 calories that did it or the hormone?
Im honestly still not sure. But, what I am sure of, is.....it's working! At the end of the 40 days, I felt better--I had more energy and I felt better emotionally and mentally. I felt like I accomplished a goal and I wanted to continue.
But, first I had to take a few weeks off of the hormone and focus on maintenance. I started off being good...but with huge life events--new job and the loss of my father-in-law--I saw my healthy habits start to disappear.
Luckily, weight-wise, I've been able to maintain my weight till this week. Sadly, now it has caught up with me and I've gained 10 pounds. Due to stress, convenience and plain ol "I want it" I've had wine, lattes, dessert and fast food. I had a meeting with my doc this week and told her I wanted to start up again--despite a new semester of grad school looming and a new (but stressful) job promotion. I do not want to slip into old habits. Yes, I will miss little things like almond butter and cheese....but it's not forever.
Now that I've spent this weekend loading up (First two days is 5000 calories)--I have felt miserable. Im bloated, waking up with sour gut, tired and I feel gross. I can't seem to make peace with food; regardless if it's too much or too little. Im scared I will always battle this in one shape or another. I am truly scared! Does it ever get easy for a person--who's had a history of weight loss/gain to say no to the piece of cheesecake (no matter how small) at that year's holiday party? Does one ever order a salad when eating out with out thinking about it?!
I feel the need to sit down and talk with people who are in AA, or who used to smoke, or who used to be hooked on drugs. I know my situation may be less extreme but...I want to hear their stories. Do they ever want to relapse? How do they feel late at night when no one is looking? Do they have a game plan when life is falling apart around them? I want to reach out and examine the darkness of human addiction and maybe....understand my own struggles.
Everyone is different I suppose. All I know is, if I had to choose, I'd choose to feel like I did towards the end of the diet (the beginning was quite an adjustment too) then I do now. Someday, I will teach kids and have my own kids (and god-willing, we'll have many healthy babies despite whatever age I'll be when that happens).....so I NEED to do this. My weight doesn't effect just me anymore--if Im not happy with myself, it'll effect all areas of life. I feel more miserable during this loading period than I did in my first loading period--so that's a good sign, it means I've changed!
K, Im off my soap box....wish me luck everyone :)....the journey continues!
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